H-Beam celebrates Canadian Love Panda Day

Not only is tomorrow Andy birthday. If you were Canadian, you would be celebrating Canadian Love Panda Day.

All the little children across the Rockies duct tape or fasten his or her long underwear onto the toilet in hopes that when they sleep, the Love Panda will creep creepily into there room, stare at the children for an uncomfortable amount of time, and proceed to the bathroom. There, the love panda begins his loving ritual and emits, along with gleeish shrieking, a gift beyond compare.

This Panda love drop can be used for a variety of purposes. Included but not limited to, toothpaste, antibacterial ointment, hair-gel, toast spread, lubricant, and has the burning equivalent to 10 gallons of diesel fuel. Some say it has the medicinal qualities to cure some flagrant cancers.

The story of the Love Panda dates back to early Egyptian days when many revered the Love Panda as a sacred animal that loved himself beyond all others. We’re talking way before Narcissi.

The ultimate fate of any Love Panda is the attainment of “one stroke too many.” The LP at a ripe old age will have a bad day and really take it out on himself. He pleasures himself to the point where none of God’s creatures should please. The LP then erupts into a fountain of fur and skittles that are even better than the ones you buy at the store. The LP is then renamed.

Throughout time, the LP has been renamed a total of 2037 times. The current LP was born at the Beijing Vet Center in 1959 and was smuggled by renegade Asian Mounties to the sweet land of Canadia. In 1967 The LP was christened in Vancouver and helped spark the short-lived Canadian “Free Loove, Eh?” movement. The movement, ending rather confusingly, was able to squeeze out a National Holiday that everyone could use as an excuse to not work.

So, you little Canadian rascals, hang that long underwear, you may want to wear earplugs, cause tomorrow, February 9, is Canadian Love Panda Day.